


A Girl Called James

by BurnedAtBothEnds



Series: A Person Called... [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV), Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms
Genre: Dysphoria, Gay, LGBTQ Character, M/M, Other, Pride, Tattoos, Trans Jim Moriarty, Trans Male Character, Transgender, angelos cafe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-10-03
Packaged: 2020-04-24 03:07:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19164562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnedAtBothEnds/pseuds/BurnedAtBothEnds
Summary: Life isn't easy, no matter the situation. But James is learning to cope with a little help from his friend.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do hope that this story does not offend anyone, that is not the intent. This is about a person struggling with their identity and trying to figure it out. That's all. The ramblings of a nonbinary person putting their thoughts and feelings into a story to make some sense of it in their own head. Enjoy...
> 
> (Illustrations will be added at a later date!)

A Girl Called James. Chapter one...

 

"Are you getting up today, or am I going to have to drag your arse out of the bed?" Seb groaned as he saw his friend still lying in bed, the mop of black hair strewn over the pillow. "Come on, James. I don't have all day, I have a job to do." 

"I'll get up in a minute..." They mumbled, yawning and looking over at their friend, their dark brown eyes full of tears. Sebastian had seen this before, and with a heavy sigh he sat down on the bed, his arms wrapping around the younger of the two. "I'm fine, Sebastian... Just go to work."

"What's got you down this time?" He asked quietly, pulling the blanket up to hide the smaller frame, not allowing James to see theirself. 

"It's that time again." They whispered, closing their eyes and shaking their head. Sebastian knew what they meant. James never said it, they couldn't bring themselves to, feeling ashamed and angry that their body would force something on them that they didn't want. A horrible reminder of what they were. 

"Alright..." He nodded, getting up off the bed. He moved the blanket back and sighed seeing the mess. James hadn't had it this bad in a while, but he figured it was probably due to them missing their medication lately. They'd gone on holiday for a couple weeks and forgotten James' medication, leaving him a little sickly. He'd just been diagnosed anaemic due to heavy bleeding for prolonged periods of time, and how little James ate. Seb picked them up, despite the mess, taking them into the shower, and slowly undressing them. "It's okay, just keep your eyes closed." He whispered, throwing the underwear into the laundry basket to be soaked and washed later on.

Dimming the lights as he turned the shower on, he looked back at James. "Come on. It's okay. You can start your pills today, so that's good. They'll stop this in a couple days." He spoke softly as his friend got into the shower, washing his hands in the sink. Sebastian had been there for James since the start, he was the first person to know. Actually, he was the one to tell James, asking them one day after finding James crying in the bathroom with their hair covering the floor when they were just twelve. James had said they had known for a few years, but they'd never said it out loud, or even admitted it to themselves. They'd gone through this every month since then, helping their friend to feel more comfortable with themselves. 

Two months ago they finally moved out of their parent's houses. James had been two months late, anxieties high, their hormones unbalanced, anaemia going undetected. They were too embarrassed to tell anyone, Sebastian having to get it out of him when he noticed Jim getting more anxious and buying pregnancy tests. He'd forced them to go to the doctor where they admitted they had irregular periods. Sometimes lasting three weeks at a time, then missing two months out. They'd been given supplements and put on the pill, but was unable to start them yet. This would be their first month. 

Sebastian sighed as he looked at his friend, stood with their eyes closed in the darkened room as they tried to clean themselves up. "You want sweatpants and one of my shirts today?" 

"No... I have to go to work..." They whispered and slowly opened their eyes to look at him. "No binder?" They asked and Seb shook his head. 

"Not today. You need to take a break. And you always complain it hurts your nipples." He sighed, the smaller of them just nodding sadly, knowing they'd feel more anxious today not wearing it. "You can have one of my shirts, and the cargo pants. I'll get your clothes ready. Shout when you're ready." He spoke softly, leaving them to wash. 

James sighed as they were left alone, looking down slowly at their body. Sebastian did his best, they knew that, but they wished there was some way to fix how he was feeling. They looked down at their chest and tried to push it back, trying to flatten it as much as possible. They had a fairly small chest as it was, but it wasn't enough. It was still too big for them to feel comfortable with. Then they moved down, hands over their stomach and down. They could feel the lack of a penis, the lack of testicles and it felt even worse. A cruel joke from a so called benevolent being. 

They sighed as they turned the shower off, grabbing a towel to wrap around their body, hiding the parts they hated most. Moving quickly they opened the drawer near the toilet, taking out a pad. They dried quickly, sticking the pad to their underwear, before pulling them on, and hiding them beneath a pair of Sebastian's boxers. The bigger size helped James to pack despite the pad and helped them feel a little more comfortable during these times. 

Sebastian was waiting in James' bedroom, sitting on the side of the bed, as he stared at the tv on the wall. "You're doing great." He smiled, James' medication already waiting on the side for them with a glass of water. 

"Thanks." They mumbled and got dressed, the large shirt being used to hide his chest. "You can go to work. I've got a couple hours until I need to leave." They mumbled, picking up the pills and swallowing them down. 

Sebastian was worried about his friend, but he knew they could handle this now. He got up, grabbing the laundry including the bedsheets, and headed downstairs, "I'll let these soak, put them in the wash before you leave?" He called over his shoulder, as he headed downstairs. 

The blond man stared at the washing as tears filled his eyes. He wished he could make things better for James, wished he could help his friend to feel comfortable, to not wake up in such a mess, to not hate themselves. He shook his head, putting the sheets in to soak, before grabbing his keys and heading out to work. 

Upstairs James was sat on the bed, his head in his hands. They felt sick, and their stomach was hurting. They wanted nothing more than to curl up in bed again, but they and Sebastian were desperate for money. James was only on minimum wage, unable to get a job that paid any better after having to drop out of school due to their mental health, and Sebastian didn't make much working for an agency. They only had a small apartment with two bedrooms, and they had to share a bathroom. They got up making their way down to watch tv on the couch, their arms hugging their knees. Maybe they could just phone in sick? They'd still get paid if they only missed one day... 

Despite that idea two hours later they got up, making their way out of the apartment and heading to work. James worked at a small cafe in the middle of town, it was nice and most of the people there had learned to respect that they used neutral terms. They'd explained to their boss when they started, and he kindly started to put everyone's pronouns on their name badges, even allowing James to use their preferred name, and keeping their legal name a secret. When they'd asked about it, the boss just smiled and tapped his nose. It wasn't much longer until they were introduced to the boss's daughter, a transgender female, that it all made sense...

Walking into the café now though, all they wanted to do was run home. Their stomach was still hurting, and they felt so tired and anxious. They went in the back and changed into their work shirt, fixing on the name tag to start the day...


	2. Chapter 2

A Girl Called James. Chapter 2.

 

The café wasn't quiet. James felt sick, their stomach cramping and their eyes heavy as they had barely slept all night. As they walked into work they could see people crowding every table, the sun was out and as it was a Saturday people of course decided that they should leave their homes. James was immediately rushed off their feet as they tried to keep up with the orders, despite the condition they were in. 

"Excuse me? Ma'am!" Someone yelled across the room at James. They could feel their cheeks heat up as they knew they were going to have a bad experience. They could practically hear the hatred in their voice, the judgement as James slowly turned around and looked at them. 

"Yes, sir?" They asked politely, not in any condition to start an argument. They wanted to run away and hide, to go home and back to their bed where they were safe and warm. "Can I help you?" 

The customer didn't seem happy as James spoke, their voice was deeper than they were expecting, James having practiced for hours in the mirror to try and talk with a slightly deeper voice. They'd managed it a little, to at least not sound like a boy going through puberty, but it wasn't enough to convince someone they were a 'biological man'. James sighed as they stood by the table and took out their notepad. "Yes, ma'am. There's a hair in my food. Get me a new one." He demanded. James swallowed hard as they looked down at the plate, picking it up slowly. 

"Yes, sir." They mumbled and went to walk away. 

"Fucking Dykes... Thought women were meant to be good in the kitchen." He barked to his friends as James walked away, the group bursting into a roaring laughter. James' cheeks burned a bright red, their eyes filling with tears as they heard the comment, but they wouldn't say anything. Not this time. Just like last time. They sighed as they took the dish out to the kitchen and took a moment to compose themselves. 

"The... The uh... There's a hair... They want a new one..." They stuttered out, feeling their chest tighten. Breathing became a struggle as they stood there, their whole body starting to shake and go cold as sweat gathered on their forehead. "Oh god..." James whispered, running to the bathroom. They could feel as their hands felt weak and clammy and their skin went almost grey. They leaned against the sink, their forehead on the cold glass of the mirror. 

A moment later they rushed into a stall, needing to desperately use the toilet, their stomach cramps becoming worse as their eyesight began to blur. Everything seemed to hit them at once, and they could barely get their pants off as they sat down, taking their phone out to call Seb. He didn't answer at first, their heart sinking as they got the voicemail. "Seb... Seb please come get me..." They cried into the phone, their voice echoing a little in the small bathroom as tears fell down their cheeks. "Please... please come and get me." They whispered and hung up, sobbing into their hands. 

James had never felt more at rock bottom than in that moment, their entire world just seemed to collapse around him. They figured their hormones had likely been the reason for the sudden outburst of emotion, but it didn't change that their heart felt completely shattered. It hurt to hear such horrible things said about them, even in a place like this. They were supposed to be safe at work, but the only place James ever felt safe now was next to Seb in their little apartment. The boss had done his best to make it a safe space, but assholes still got in, and things still got said...

They hid in the bathroom for the next hour, until someone came knocking on the door. "James... Are you in there? Come on... Lets go home." Sebastian spoke softly through the door. James quickly pulled their jeans up again, flushing the toilet and went out to wash their hands. They weren't in such a bad state anymore, their body having relaxed some, but they still didn't feel safe enough to go back out to work. They knew they would probably just end up back in the bathroom again. 

As they opened the door, Sebastian wrapped his arms tightly around their smaller friend. "It's okay... I've got you... We're going to go home and we can watch a movie." He whispered into the black mess of hair on top of their head. 

"I'm okay..." They whispered, looking up at him, "I... I only have a couple hours... I can do it..." They whispered, not wanting to seem weak in front of their friend, but Sebastian knew James couldn't handle it. They'd worked themselves up too much, and they'd just run back. He shook his head as he picked them up carefully, carrying them out to the car. 

"I know... But I talked to your boss, and it's okay." He whispered with that smile that James knew they could trust. Sebastian lay them down in the back of the car and smiled as he kissed their forehead. "It's alright. Come on, we'll go home. I'll order pizza! I made some extra today, so my treat." He grinned as he shut the door and got in the drivers seat. He didn't wait for James' answer as he started the car, beginning to drive home. It wasn't a long journey, barely ten minutes in a car, but James had been so exhausted that they fell asleep within that time, Sebastian carrying them back into the apartment and up to their room. "I love you..." He whispered, knowing James wouldn't hear, pain and heartbreak in his voice as he lay them down and kissed their head. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As a non-binary person I don't have much experience with the actual stages of transition. I am doing my best based off of research into the topic, my trans friends and asking a few questions to professionals. If I get anything wrong I am sorry and please educate me! I will change anything I have to. Though please remember not everyone's experience is the same.
> 
> *UNEDITED* I'll go back and edit this chapter soon, it's taken me so long to write this much though! 
> 
> redbubble.com/people/imsomethingelse
> 
> etsy.com/shop/imsomethingelseco

A Girl Called James. Chapter 3.

 

A week passed since the incident. James wasn't much better, but they were starting to get less uncomfortable as the tablets had taken effect, stopping the period. They got up early and got in the shower, trying to spend as long as possible in there, wanting to actually enjoy the warm water for a little while. That wouldn't be too long though as Sebastian came barging in. 

 

"Jimmy! Jimmy! Look! It came! It came, Jimmy! You got the appointment!" Seb yelled excitedly, pulling the shower curtain back without a thought and showing James the now slightly damp letter.

 

'Mr James Moriarty,

We have received your referral from your GP and have made an appoint for you on March 13th. If you can not attend the appointment please ring the phone number provided below to reschedule.

Fiona Livingston. GIC.'

 

The grin that spread across their face was like nothing Seb had ever seen before. His friend full of pure joy. Six months they'd been waiting for this letter. The letter that meant they would finally be able to start their physical changes, to start to match their body to their mind. "This is amazing, Seb! I... I can't wait... March 13th, that's only next week!" The grin on their fac would not waver, not matter what as James read the letter over and over and over again. 

"Get dressed, we're going out to celebrate over lunch!" Seb smiled and closed the shower curtain for them, "Sorry for barging in..." He added after a moment. 

James laughed and hummed, "It's alright, Seb, not like you haven't seen me naked before." They chuckled and heard as the blond man sat down on the toilet lid, almost falling off the loose piece of plastic. "You wanna go out tonight? I haven't had a night out in ages, and I think getting black out drunk tonight might be great." 

"Blackout drunk? So two pints then?" He teased, watching the shadow behind the shower curtain. "James... there's um... actually something I wanted to talk to you about... I know you'll be okay with it. It's still... a bit... awkward to say it... outloud...." The taller man mumbled and James peered out of the shower curtain at him. "No! Don't. It's easier if I can't see you." 

"Seb... You're scaring me." They mumbled and hid back behind the curtain as they continued to shower, though it was mostly just them standing under the spray of the water.

"I'm gay." He blurted out, letting it hang in the air between them for a moment.

Moments passed in silence before James suddenly snorted as they began to laugh, holding their stomach and tearing up as they stood there, leaning on the wall. "I know!" They laughed, having to sit down and pulling the curtain open to look at a very shocked and confused Sebastian Moran. "I know, Seb. I've known for years. I saw you with George Finley back in year eleven. Did you not question why I got you that bottle of lube for your birthday?" They asked and the blond man just grinned at him. 

"Wait... you saw us?" He mumbled and got up, "Oh God... You didn't see all of it did you?"

"What? All three minutes?" They smirked, raising an eyebrow and Sebastian's face went as red as a tomato. "I'm sorry, I dont mean to tease." 

Seb smiled at his friend and shook his head. "That was first time. I bet you didn't last long your first time!" He argued. This time it was Jim's turn to turn a bright red. 

"I uh... I've never... done it." They whispered and hid behind the curtain again, "Well... not... with someone, I guess?" 

"Oh. I'm sorry... Uh... This is awkward I guess." He mumbled and got up, walking over to the shower and pulled the curtain back a little. "That would explain why you're always so cranky though. You need to get laid. And you need to get out of the shower, you're shrivling up." 

"Then hand me a towel, and find someone who wants to fuck someone like me. I'm not man enough to be gay, not woman enough to be straight, not attracted to women to be a lesbian." They mumbled and sighed, as Seb handed them a towel. "I just... I don't want anyone seeing all... this. I don't even like seeing all this." 

Sebastian helped them out so he didn't slip over. "I like seeing it..." Seb thought to himself, but knew what Jim meant, they weren't going to like something they're trying to change. "Well maybe after you've had your surgery you'll understand." He smirked, "We've got a good amount, we'll be able to afford the top surgery in a couple years." Seb mumbled as his friend was drying off and heading to their bedroom. James could have gotten the surgery on the NHS, they could have gotten it free, but there was a chance it could take years, and they didn't have that kind of time. They wanted to go privite for their surgery, so they knew they were getting the best. It was just taking a while to save. 

"Yeah... I found a good surgeon who can do it privitely for £7000. We're only three away. And he said it'll be keyhole, so minimal scaring." They spoke as they were getting dressed in Seb's clothes, trying to keep himself comfortable. "Do you think we can afford the bottom surgery after that? Do you really think we'll be able to pay for it eventually?"

"Of course, Jim. By then you'll have your own company. And you'll be able to pick from any doctor in the world no matter the cost." He whispered and hugged them. "And if not, I'll kidnap them and get them to do it for free. Anything to make you happy." 

James laughed and looked up at him, "Careful, Seb. I'd think you were in love with me." They chuckled and kissed his cheek, before pulling away. "I'm starving. Shall we go out for lunch?" They asked softly, and Seb nodded, following them to the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *UNEDITED* I'll go back and edit this chapter soon, it's taken me so long to write this much though! 
> 
> redbubble.com/people/imsomethingelse
> 
> etsy.com/shop/imsomethingelseco


End file.
